Making Time For Our Beliefs

I had a call with a death doula client over the weekend, and something came up that is really resonating with me and wanted to share.

For the sake of anonymity, I’ll use the name Emily to refer to the person I’m working with.

Emily has dealt with a severe type of cancer for many years now, and it has recently introduced more difficult health complications.

She is still more hopeful than ever about being able to put this in the rearview one day and continue to thrive in life, but in the meantime, life has gotten much heavier. It has become a lot harder for her to dream when the threat of death is becoming louder and taking up more space in the room.

This was becoming more stressful for her so that’s when we started working together.

We have been going over her death plan which covers all of the last wishes someone might want to cover before dying. She mentioned the idea of wanting a cremation when the time comes, but was struggling to put a “final answer” on that due to the weight of religious beliefs that her family still held, which supported a burial.

So we talked about the weight of family and religious expectations, and the effects of still holding space for beliefs that you have outgrown.

We talked about what it means to get clarity today on your heart’s desire and about believing that this will not hinder a reunion with your loved ones after you die.

Here are some takeaways from our conversation that I felt pressed to share.

Every belief serves a purpose, but it doesn’t mean it has to serve you for your entire life.

These topics on religion can usually be a little delicate, so I thought I’d give some brief context on my own upbringing in a religious household before I talk about the guidance I helped Emily with.

I grew up as a “hardcore” Christian in the Seventh-Day Adventist church. In high school, I was the “bible study guy,” always inviting everyone to bible study or worship music.

My faith was challenged deeply in high school and college, and after taking so many religion classes, I eventually came to the conclusion that every religion is just a particular country or culture’s way of making sense of a divine source that all humans sense, but cannot explain.

I figured that each religion is just a different way of making sense of life and putting a face to the wonder, and setting different rules around when, how, and where this sacredness will be acknowledged.

Maybe this was a cop-out, or maybe it was the wisest thing I ever thought of until that point. I didn’t assume it was an original thought, but it meant a lot to me that I arrived at it independently (couldn’t resist not sharing the meme below 😂).

These days, I no longer believe in Christianity, but these early stronghold beliefs built the foundation of my childhood. It helped foster in me a sense of natural community building, which has been an integral part of who I have been ever since then.

If I never allowed myself to evolve with my beliefs, who knows how my life would have been different. And if I never challenge my beliefs again, who knows what else I will miss out on. I’ve learned to never say never, and I’ve learned that letting go of a view or belief that no longer serves you can be one of the most powerful things we’ll ever do for ourselves.

But if I had never made the space to challenge my own beliefs, and to sit with my own discomfort and questions and doubts for several years, I would have never been able to hold this space as a death doula for these similar conversations.

I would have never explored so many other religions and spiritualities, or more recently, studied how different cultures celebrate and acknowledge death, and how humans have never been more distanced from our own sense of mortality in our human history than we are today.

The topic of death tends to be dismissed or turned away for any number of reasons throughout our life, but when the reality of dying gets louder and closer to home than it's ever been, clarity on our spiritual views becomes more urgent than ever.

So, what did I tell Emily about her conundrum?

We’re All Climbing The Same Mountain

The person I’m working with mentioned wanting a cremation after she dies, but she was hesitant to decide because her family’s religious beliefs expect a burial. She resonates more with Buddhist teachings, but still finds herself celebrating Christian holidays.

To make the situation harder, she loved dearly her nana who passed away a couple years ago, and she needed to have peace knowing that her new beliefs would not impact a reunion with her nana after she dies.

I told her how it was okay to borrow different ideologies and belief systems and lean on them in a way that makes sense for her. I told her how it's not appropriation if it is done with intention, respect, humility, and love.

I shared with her how I believed that the many religions of the world all aspire for the same goal, for the most part, and that is to be the highest version of ourselves, whether it's through a lifestyle or a deity, or both.

If the top of the mountain is our highest self, then the only difference is how each religion have their own unique rituals and routes of getting there.

Again, I’m not an expert or a theologian, nor do I have a doctorate in philosophy.

I’ve just explored my beliefs and settle into one when it feels right, until one day it no longer does.

And then I explore more until something else feels right, until one day it no longer does.

And now I’m just sharing what I’m learning.

And what I’ve learned up until now is that the most we can ever do is come to terms with what we believe in right now, whether we’ve never been more sure of something or have never been in more doubt.

Before we die, all we’ll have is an ordinary moment like this one.

If we can’t appreciate the moment and all it holds now, how will we be ready for it then?

The best way to welcome presence in the moment is to honor what you’re feeling.

And the best way to honor what you’re feeling is to give yourself space to consider both sides of the coin to each desire.

Listen To Your Regrets

Paying attention to what we already regret, or what we think we will regret, is one of the most effective filters we can use to make important decisions.

When Emily was on the fence about deciding on a cremation over a burial, I asked her to pay attention to however she felt when she entertained either of the options.

If she decided internally to go with a burial, would she feel any immediate regret?

And if she decided internally to go with a cremation, would she feel at peace with her decision?

Peeking into a future regret can be the missing piece to help you find your clarity.

The more you hone in on this and exactly what you’re feeling, the closer you’ll be to seeing what your true desire is, no matter the situation.

Thanks for reading, ya’ll. Until next time!

David
Mor.intune